Dear Jerks –
A sincere thank you. A heartfelt hug for all that you’ve done. Everything and everyone you’ve touched in your lifetime has been inspired by you and the things you choose to do and say.
Many people often wonder why you are the way you are, but we know. We know the truth.
Jerk is literally defined as a “contemptibly obnoxious person” – and, congratulations, that description fits you perfectly.
We love so many things about you, it’s actually hard to narrow the reasons down to just 10, but we will try.
10. You don’t concern yourself with distractions like “other people” or “emotions”
09. Your clothes make a statement all their own. They scream “Jerk coming through!”
08. Your car is 15 years old and a mess, but you think it’s a high end Porsche
07. Your scent is unmistakable, it’s called Eau De Entitled
06. You’ve never successfully returned a phone call
05. We all see you’ve read the text, but you couldn’t possibly be bothered to write back
04. The idea of giving a gift – for any reason – is absolutely beyond your comprehension
03. You are your own biggest fan
02. You make a habit of driving like an absolute insane person at all times
01. One word: Uppity
Thanks for all that you do. Never change (we know you won’t).
If there is a jerk in your life, salute him or her with a gift to JerkySubscription.com – it may just be the start of a new chapter in a potentially beautiful (and predictable) relationship…filled with premium jerky, at least.